Giant shed full of cheap stuff will revitalise local high street

Residents of Horfield and Hanham are being reassured that the presence of massive aircraft hangars full of enticing cheap goods will in no way turn their local high streets into desolate wastelands.

The gargantuan buildings, which will sell not just basic groceries but also specialist, low-margin items like electronics, books, and DIY supplies, will act as "anchor" points for the high streets, despite being up to half a mile away.

The new shops will also encourage people to use their local high streets by containing none of the traditional features of English shopping thoroughfares, like fume-spewing traffic jams, gangs of rat-eyed feral children, piles of sick in doorways or torrential rain.

"It's great" said one shopper of the proposed new commerce barn. "According to this sign, I'll be able to park at the supermarket for exactly one hour before my car is towed away and crushed. That gives me 5 minutes to browse a pitiful selection of charity shops and pound stores after I've finished doing my proper shopping."